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Silence of the Dragonrider, part 4.2
Chapter Index
2
The ocean. A sight that never changes. The ocean, covered in constantly-shifting waves, which looks no different than yesterday. The ocean that will probably repeat tomorrow. A featureless plane.
For Judith, it was even turning into a kind of symbol. Immutable. Stagnant. The ocean that she couldn’t even feel for herself.
The wind drearily whistled as it blew. The wind was also like the ocean. It was never quite the same, but nothing about it ever really changed, either.
Judith was gazing at the horizon from the edge of Myorzo, ignoring her windswept hair. The sky above. The ocean below. A lifeless horizontal line. Alone.
It was warm in the city; covered by Krones' dome, virtually no wind penetrated. It was a different story in the lower sections, however, which were still exposed to many cold, strong winds. There was hardly anyone in those areas, leaving the buildings to be overrun with weeds. Judith was in one such section, an abandoned, lonely place in stark contrast to where the Krityan people congregated.
“So, you’ve come here again?”
Judith looked towards the voice that barely reached her ears through a lull in the wind. The Elder was standing there.
“You might catch a cold if you stay in a place like this much longer. Everyone’s worrying about you.”
“I’m fine here.”
The Elder sighed. He had the air of a grandfather going along with his grandchild’s selfishness. “Even if you’re alright, there’s no need to stand watch like that. If your friend...Ba’ul comes along again, he won’t ignore you.”
Instead of replying, Judith returned her gaze to the horizon.
Three months had passed since she awoke in Myorzo. Myorzo’s residents were friendly—and above all, they were Krityans, which helped ease the burden of Judith’s painful memories about Temza, if only a little. While everyone tried to welcome her as a new resident, it didn’t stop her from stubbornly treating it as temporary.
Ba’ul. Ba’ul will come to pick me up soon, she thought, so she refused to adapt to Myorzo.
But Ba'ul hadn't appeared. She wanted to notice him sooner than anyone else if he did approach. That desire had Judith changing locations to gradually get a better view of the lower world, and at last she had arrived in this section in the lowest layer. Nearly every day since then, she'd been continuously waiting like this, sitting among the weeds and looking down at the lower world from the edge.
Myorzo was constantly moving. Whether Krones decided or whether he simply let the wind carry them—either way, it never stayed in one area. Wondering whether Ba'ul would miss Myorzo because of that also drove her worries.
Or is Ba’ul still fighting somewhere? Even Judith knew that something strange must have happened for monsters to attack Temza. She wondered if a situation like that was still continuing somewhere. Judith didn’t think about the possibility that Ba’ul could be injured or dead. She felt that something like that just couldn’t happen.
At Krones' whims, they occasionally approached land, but their altitude was so high that she could hardly tell anything about the situation on the surface. Just once, she saw something like a circle shining on the ground at night, which someone told her was the barrier generated by a barrier blastia.
“It’s for protection. Since there are monsters on the surface, people just don’t leave those areas.”
Judith experienced a strange feeling of discomfort at those words, although she didn’t really understand the reason. She only understood that the shining circle was basically a sign that indicated where people lived. The circle in which people lived. The circle. It was difficult outside the circle.
Judith shook off that thought. At any rate, she wondered whether if something so big floating in midair could be seen from the surface. Before, Tenshal—one of the young men here—had said "nobody could notice" them, thanks to Krones. Did that mean Myorzo was invisible from outside?
What if Ba’ul couldn’t see Myorzo? That can’t be. If that was the case, he couldn’t have brought her here in the first place. Despite thinking that, her anxiety wouldn’t quite subside. As she stared at the lower world like this each day, Judith was distressed by the worries that impulsively bubbled up one after another.
It was all because Ba'ul wasn't showing up.
Come quickly, Ba'ul. I'm right here.
But there was nothing in sight on the horizon again today, and the wind simply howled as it usually did. The Elder had vanished without her noticing. Maybe he had returned to his walk.
Judith didn't move at all. The piece from Ba'ul's horn was clutched in the palm of her hand. She continued touching it, as if to make sure it was actually real.
---
"Elder, is it alright if I take this?" Judith asked, holding out a small object that was neither related to handcrafting nor machinery.
"Hmph, a blastia body? I don't mind, but...what do you wish to do with such a thing?"
"It's to mount this." Judith showed him what she was holding in her other hand: the fragment of Ba'ul's horn. Judith had searched throughout the city, wandering from mountain to mountain of abandoned blastia, until she'd found one like this.
"Take care that you don't hurt yourself."
When she obtained the Elder's consent, Judith headed to a workshop for making various things. She made sure to do as much of the work herself as possible, even as she received advice from the artisan working there. It took a few days to complete. Ba'ul's horn was inlaid nicely into part of the blastia body that was precisely chipped. Although she had a little of the artisan's help to finish up, it was still quite the craftsmanship for the work of a nine-year-old child nonetheless.
Judith admired it approvingly. When she used the nageeg to sense inside of it, she could still feel the strong traces of Ba'ul that remained, as she lovingly traced the surface with her finger.
Judith closed her eyes as, for a moment, her loneliness was forgotten in the warmth.
---
Half a year passed.
---
"Ya!"
As Judith swung the spear, the air whistled around her figure. The sharp tip gleamed in the green light from Krones. Judith had come across it by chance while peeking into unused buildings; it was something that didn't suit the rest of the city.
Even Judith knew a little about the types of weapons that existed. So she found it strange that neither Temza nor Myorzo had anything other than spears in their collections. She tried asking the people of Myorzo, but nobody knew the reason.
"I suppose it's because we liked them. Our great Krityan ancestors must have preferred them."
That was how the Elder's response went. Considering that, maybe it was why she wasn't able to find anyone in Myorzo who could properly handly a spear. Judith chose not to worry about it.
There weren't as many techniques hidden inside as the one she'd had in Temza. Nevertheless, since she'd tracked down a spear like this, she took it and made the effort to train. It didn't mean that she'd stopped watching the horizon from the lowest layer; it was just that instead of doing that all day, she exercised like this in an open clearing at regular intervals.
She didn't know if it was due to the courses Krones chose, but it was said that Myorzo's climate barely changed throughout the year. Compared to Temza, there was a much stronger sensation of living while not knowing how much time was passing. Judith wanted motivation, and for something to change. She felt like her heart couldn't endure were it not for the support of Ba'ul's horn.
I'm going to the lower world someday, she continued encouraging herself. She kept in mind her connection to the surface. Otherwise, she would surely end up forgetting who she even was. And besides that—while exercising like this, she was at least able to forget about all her uncertain inner feelings.
"Haa!"
Judith thrust the spear forward after she spun it overhead. Drops of sweat fell from her chin as she remained in that stance.
"It looks like you're doing something interesting," Kilomay called out to her as she was passing by along with a few companions. Everyone always freely greeted Judith when they came across her. But she couldn't bring herself to do the same. She merely gave them curious looks.
The people of Myorzo seemed like nothing could perturb them, even moreso than Temza's Circle. Even though they were all Krityans, she wondered if their nageegs were stronger than the people of Temza. It reminded her that even though there were so many blastia lying around, there didn't seem to be any researchers like her father here. Unlike her father, she hadn't gone to any other cities, but she still somehow wondered if that was the power of their Great Tree.
As for the Circle, or Great Tree, she still didn't think that she wanted to join it even now. Maybe that was why Judith was still treated like the Elder's guest. Whether she was gazing at the horizon by herself or swinging a spear around, she could do as she liked, largely because nobody wanted to send her to work.
So she didn't care. Because eventually she'd leave this place.
While repeating that to persuade herself, Judith continued to swing the spear.
---
A year passed.
---
Judith was gloomy, and she was still lonely.
The ocean was no different again today. The horizon remained coldly silent, without anyone coming from beyond it to greet her or pick her up. The people of Myorzo were still the exact same people, acting just like they had towards her on that first day. No closer and no more distant.
Did Ba'ul end up forgetting about me? Or did something happen to him, after all? Even if she wanted to find out, she couldn't go anywhere. She felt like she was trapped in a huge prison.
She took out Ba'ul's horn, which she always carried close, and stared closely at it. As she gazed at it, she opened her nageeg to check for Ba'ul's presence. It was an action she'd repeated countless times since coming to Myorzo. The lingering traces of Ba'ul, which were supporting Judith even while simultaneously isolating her, were becoming fainter with each passing day. When she thought about how the time would come that it disappeared completely, Judith couldn't help but be driven with worry.
She'd become ten years old. In other words, she was still no more than ten years old. During the past year, she'd received awfully unfair treatment—such thoughts were getting stronger by the day.
There was a shadow that constantly passed through Judith's heart whenever she felt like this. It persistently haunted her, no matter how much she tried to shake it off.
Her.
The figure she'd encountered within her father's heart. It had taken such strong root within her father that it overlapped the mental image that formed Judith. When she remembered that moment even now, the blood drained from her face and she felt like there was pressure around her stomach.
There was another daughter.
She broke into the space that was mine, and mine only. She snuck in, even though it was supposed to be just for me.
Judith hadn't exactly seen it in the same way as physically seeing with her eyes. All she knew about its appearance, for instance, was the adorable impression that her father had. Besides that, it somehow seemed like it was younger than herself. That was about all she knew. Perhaps she would have discovered much more about it if she had continued delving more carefully. But at the time, her spirit couldn't bear any more.
Judith bit her lip.
She never wanted to feel a person's heart ever again, whether it was her father or someone else. Fear of the possibility of seeing things she didn't want to see. Regret at knowing things she'd be better off not knowing. She was having many such feelings.
Besides, it wasn't that important—because, ultimately, the main problem was precisely the fact that there was another daughter. And the reality was that she knew this.
Why didn't Dad say anything? Why was he hiding it? That letter—what was written in it?
She couldn't help repeating those questions whenever she thought about her father.
She regretted that she'd put off reading the letter on that day Temza came to an end. The answers to every single question within her--couldn't they be written in that letter? Judith thought so, with nearly as much confidence as she had in her own memories.
The letter was no more. It had been stolen. Just like her father. Judith felt a sharp pain in her chest. It was her fault. It was the gray monster's fault.
To Judith, the distinction between the two was not important. Both stole something precious from her. Both hurt her. Logically, she knew that her father had always devoted his love to her no matter the situation. But it didn't stop her emotions from wanting his undivided love. Judith was too young to reach a compromise where that was concerned.
Somewhere along the way, the two mental images overlapped and mixed together, becoming one. It was a little girl with a monster's eyes. It was a monster with a little girl's eyes. While showing her despicable inner scorn towards Judith, a gray faceless girl was holding a stuffed doll in her clawed hands. It had become ragged, and its appearance was that of her father—
Give it back. Give it back!!
But no matter how much she screamed, it only clicked its teeth and chuckled at her. It was having fun, seeing through her feelings.
I hate you! I hate things like you!
And no matter how hard she tried to drive it out, the gray usurper continued to stay in Judith's mind.
"Ba'ul," Judith pleaded tearfully. She gripped the horn in her hand so strongly that it drew blood. "Help me, Ba'ul."
However, there was no response from the horizon, and the horn itself was no more than a simple horn.
---
Three years passed.
---
Why don't you join the Great Tree already?
The idea had unexpectedly come to her, and before long, nowadays it was all she could think about. She pushed aside the question of whether she could really join Myorzo's Great Tree—she, who had fallen from Temza's Great Circle, which was surely the same thing.
She could no longer sense anything but a weak presence from Ba'ul's horn. It was too fleeting to support her.
Ba'ul had not appeared, and the twelve-year-old girl's loneliness was something she couldn't bear. As always, the people continued to reach out to her from behind an invisible wall. People whom she couldn't feel from here without crossing that boundary.
The Great Tree. Judith had thought about that possibility dozens, or maybe even hundreds, of times. About whether the wounds in her heart had healed enough that she could do so.
Of course, she was still scared to feel a person's heart even now. The mere thought of actually trying was overwhelming. She had been able to search for the monsters' presences before, though. Maybe it would be okay, as long as she didn't peer too deeply into someone's heart.
She tried persuading herself countless times. I can do it. Let's do it. It'll be easy.
Judith believed the people of Myorzo would never reject her if she wished to be with them. Nevertheless, there was something in her that resisted whenever she tried to decide. Something other than fear. Judith was annoyed by this dissonance in her spirit.
If she joined the Great Tree, she could become one of them. She would live in Myorzo as one of them.
So why won't you do it? What do you have to lose at this point if you do?
Yet there was still a strong resistance within her.
Judith wanted to know just what it was. She delved into her own heart as if she was feeling it with the nageeg, searching for the source of her conflict. There were all sorts of reasons drifting there, but none that convinced her. The resistance was coming from much deeper. She tried surrendering herself to those feelings of opposition. Immediately, she felt like the previously-vague flow of emotions became clear. She tried following it.
All of a sudden, an ash-gray shadow unexpectedly appeared. A faceless girl that was a monster. A monster that was a girl. A fiend.
As soon as she recognized that figure, her spirit, which was mixed and disordered, became simplified and united. In uniting, it erupted. Judith saw a black flame that flared deep within herself.
Right—that's right.
If the Great Tree was the same as the Great Circle, then it would grant her tranquility. Suppressing her anguish, she would start to live calmly.
You must be joking.
Suppressing them is the same as stealing them. It'd be the same as giving up.
Judith understood the true form of her resistance. By understanding, she completely agreed.
These feelings belong to me. Me alone. That's right, I'll never join the Great Tree. Never, not even if Ba'ul doesn't come.
Judith burned in the violent emotion she'd never seen or felt before. An emotion that the Circle and the Tree had pacified and suppressed for centuries. Whether Temza or Myorzo, it was an emotion that no Krityan had ever felt this intensely.
Hatred.
What was initially despair and anger had been fermenting and boiling deep within without her notice, and now it emitted a fearsome scent. The intensity was just like lava erupting through thick rock. Since she was a child, it was even sharper and more merciless.
I'm not leaving her be like this. Leaving her alone like this.
Judith glared with a fierce gaze that was like she was burning away the gray shadow that haunted her inner thoughts. It abruptly vanished, laughing shrilly and unpleasantly, like when it had first appeared. Only the sound of laughter, like distant thunder, reverberated in her mind.
Judith let out a snakelike hiss.
I'll never forgive you.
Knowing her true feelings, a faint smile crossed Judith's face.
It was even pleasant.
---
While driven by her intense thoughts, Judith rushed up numerous winding staircases, one after another. Without stopping, she climbed all the way to the highest point she could manage in the city.
"Krones!!"
Despite gasping for breath, Judith loudly called out to the giant creature that filled the sky overhead. It was doubtful whether her voice actually reached, or whether he even had ears to hear a human voice in the first place. Although her shout echoed in her surroundings, only silence ensued. It was a considerable distance to the jade ceiling, even from the tip of the tallest spire. No matter how loudly the young girl shouted, the result was obvious.
But as soon as Judith saw that there was no response, she opened her nageeg. She mobilized all the determination she had and extended a mental branch. Beyond it, she found some vast will. Her fury became strength. The sparks of her spirit, which had once repelled the monsters in Temza, burst violently. Judith's will became a torrent of fierce flames that she shot straight up.
Intense fatigue flowed into her, as if it was replacing the determination she'd radiated. But Judith was confident. It reached.
You're part of Ba'ul's family, aren't you? If so, then call him! If not, then let me down right now!
There was a response like a ball being thrown back at her.
<No.>
The shock was like a giant hammer striking inside her head. The pebbles Judith had thrown—Krones had thrown a mountain in return. Her already-exhausted strength was shattered all too quickly.
As her heart was swallowed by despair, Judith fainted on the spot.
---
[End of 4.2.
So, yes, Hermes has ~another daughter~. This may not be a surprise if you know about the possibly-mistranslated hint regarding his penname, but the novels will verify it much, much later.
Oh yeah, blastia "bodies" are called "containers" in JP. "Body" is kind of a weird translation choice in my opinion, but ah well.]
2
The ocean. A sight that never changes. The ocean, covered in constantly-shifting waves, which looks no different than yesterday. The ocean that will probably repeat tomorrow. A featureless plane.
For Judith, it was even turning into a kind of symbol. Immutable. Stagnant. The ocean that she couldn’t even feel for herself.
The wind drearily whistled as it blew. The wind was also like the ocean. It was never quite the same, but nothing about it ever really changed, either.
Judith was gazing at the horizon from the edge of Myorzo, ignoring her windswept hair. The sky above. The ocean below. A lifeless horizontal line. Alone.
It was warm in the city; covered by Krones' dome, virtually no wind penetrated. It was a different story in the lower sections, however, which were still exposed to many cold, strong winds. There was hardly anyone in those areas, leaving the buildings to be overrun with weeds. Judith was in one such section, an abandoned, lonely place in stark contrast to where the Krityan people congregated.
“So, you’ve come here again?”
Judith looked towards the voice that barely reached her ears through a lull in the wind. The Elder was standing there.
“You might catch a cold if you stay in a place like this much longer. Everyone’s worrying about you.”
“I’m fine here.”
The Elder sighed. He had the air of a grandfather going along with his grandchild’s selfishness. “Even if you’re alright, there’s no need to stand watch like that. If your friend...Ba’ul comes along again, he won’t ignore you.”
Instead of replying, Judith returned her gaze to the horizon.
Three months had passed since she awoke in Myorzo. Myorzo’s residents were friendly—and above all, they were Krityans, which helped ease the burden of Judith’s painful memories about Temza, if only a little. While everyone tried to welcome her as a new resident, it didn’t stop her from stubbornly treating it as temporary.
Ba’ul. Ba’ul will come to pick me up soon, she thought, so she refused to adapt to Myorzo.
But Ba'ul hadn't appeared. She wanted to notice him sooner than anyone else if he did approach. That desire had Judith changing locations to gradually get a better view of the lower world, and at last she had arrived in this section in the lowest layer. Nearly every day since then, she'd been continuously waiting like this, sitting among the weeds and looking down at the lower world from the edge.
Myorzo was constantly moving. Whether Krones decided or whether he simply let the wind carry them—either way, it never stayed in one area. Wondering whether Ba'ul would miss Myorzo because of that also drove her worries.
Or is Ba’ul still fighting somewhere? Even Judith knew that something strange must have happened for monsters to attack Temza. She wondered if a situation like that was still continuing somewhere. Judith didn’t think about the possibility that Ba’ul could be injured or dead. She felt that something like that just couldn’t happen.
At Krones' whims, they occasionally approached land, but their altitude was so high that she could hardly tell anything about the situation on the surface. Just once, she saw something like a circle shining on the ground at night, which someone told her was the barrier generated by a barrier blastia.
“It’s for protection. Since there are monsters on the surface, people just don’t leave those areas.”
Judith experienced a strange feeling of discomfort at those words, although she didn’t really understand the reason. She only understood that the shining circle was basically a sign that indicated where people lived. The circle in which people lived. The circle. It was difficult outside the circle.
Judith shook off that thought. At any rate, she wondered whether if something so big floating in midair could be seen from the surface. Before, Tenshal—one of the young men here—had said "nobody could notice" them, thanks to Krones. Did that mean Myorzo was invisible from outside?
What if Ba’ul couldn’t see Myorzo? That can’t be. If that was the case, he couldn’t have brought her here in the first place. Despite thinking that, her anxiety wouldn’t quite subside. As she stared at the lower world like this each day, Judith was distressed by the worries that impulsively bubbled up one after another.
It was all because Ba'ul wasn't showing up.
Come quickly, Ba'ul. I'm right here.
But there was nothing in sight on the horizon again today, and the wind simply howled as it usually did. The Elder had vanished without her noticing. Maybe he had returned to his walk.
Judith didn't move at all. The piece from Ba'ul's horn was clutched in the palm of her hand. She continued touching it, as if to make sure it was actually real.
---
"Elder, is it alright if I take this?" Judith asked, holding out a small object that was neither related to handcrafting nor machinery.
"Hmph, a blastia body? I don't mind, but...what do you wish to do with such a thing?"
"It's to mount this." Judith showed him what she was holding in her other hand: the fragment of Ba'ul's horn. Judith had searched throughout the city, wandering from mountain to mountain of abandoned blastia, until she'd found one like this.
"Take care that you don't hurt yourself."
When she obtained the Elder's consent, Judith headed to a workshop for making various things. She made sure to do as much of the work herself as possible, even as she received advice from the artisan working there. It took a few days to complete. Ba'ul's horn was inlaid nicely into part of the blastia body that was precisely chipped. Although she had a little of the artisan's help to finish up, it was still quite the craftsmanship for the work of a nine-year-old child nonetheless.
Judith admired it approvingly. When she used the nageeg to sense inside of it, she could still feel the strong traces of Ba'ul that remained, as she lovingly traced the surface with her finger.
Judith closed her eyes as, for a moment, her loneliness was forgotten in the warmth.
---
Half a year passed.
---
"Ya!"
As Judith swung the spear, the air whistled around her figure. The sharp tip gleamed in the green light from Krones. Judith had come across it by chance while peeking into unused buildings; it was something that didn't suit the rest of the city.
Even Judith knew a little about the types of weapons that existed. So she found it strange that neither Temza nor Myorzo had anything other than spears in their collections. She tried asking the people of Myorzo, but nobody knew the reason.
"I suppose it's because we liked them. Our great Krityan ancestors must have preferred them."
That was how the Elder's response went. Considering that, maybe it was why she wasn't able to find anyone in Myorzo who could properly handly a spear. Judith chose not to worry about it.
There weren't as many techniques hidden inside as the one she'd had in Temza. Nevertheless, since she'd tracked down a spear like this, she took it and made the effort to train. It didn't mean that she'd stopped watching the horizon from the lowest layer; it was just that instead of doing that all day, she exercised like this in an open clearing at regular intervals.
She didn't know if it was due to the courses Krones chose, but it was said that Myorzo's climate barely changed throughout the year. Compared to Temza, there was a much stronger sensation of living while not knowing how much time was passing. Judith wanted motivation, and for something to change. She felt like her heart couldn't endure were it not for the support of Ba'ul's horn.
I'm going to the lower world someday, she continued encouraging herself. She kept in mind her connection to the surface. Otherwise, she would surely end up forgetting who she even was. And besides that—while exercising like this, she was at least able to forget about all her uncertain inner feelings.
"Haa!"
Judith thrust the spear forward after she spun it overhead. Drops of sweat fell from her chin as she remained in that stance.
"It looks like you're doing something interesting," Kilomay called out to her as she was passing by along with a few companions. Everyone always freely greeted Judith when they came across her. But she couldn't bring herself to do the same. She merely gave them curious looks.
The people of Myorzo seemed like nothing could perturb them, even moreso than Temza's Circle. Even though they were all Krityans, she wondered if their nageegs were stronger than the people of Temza. It reminded her that even though there were so many blastia lying around, there didn't seem to be any researchers like her father here. Unlike her father, she hadn't gone to any other cities, but she still somehow wondered if that was the power of their Great Tree.
As for the Circle, or Great Tree, she still didn't think that she wanted to join it even now. Maybe that was why Judith was still treated like the Elder's guest. Whether she was gazing at the horizon by herself or swinging a spear around, she could do as she liked, largely because nobody wanted to send her to work.
So she didn't care. Because eventually she'd leave this place.
While repeating that to persuade herself, Judith continued to swing the spear.
---
A year passed.
---
Judith was gloomy, and she was still lonely.
The ocean was no different again today. The horizon remained coldly silent, without anyone coming from beyond it to greet her or pick her up. The people of Myorzo were still the exact same people, acting just like they had towards her on that first day. No closer and no more distant.
Did Ba'ul end up forgetting about me? Or did something happen to him, after all? Even if she wanted to find out, she couldn't go anywhere. She felt like she was trapped in a huge prison.
She took out Ba'ul's horn, which she always carried close, and stared closely at it. As she gazed at it, she opened her nageeg to check for Ba'ul's presence. It was an action she'd repeated countless times since coming to Myorzo. The lingering traces of Ba'ul, which were supporting Judith even while simultaneously isolating her, were becoming fainter with each passing day. When she thought about how the time would come that it disappeared completely, Judith couldn't help but be driven with worry.
She'd become ten years old. In other words, she was still no more than ten years old. During the past year, she'd received awfully unfair treatment—such thoughts were getting stronger by the day.
There was a shadow that constantly passed through Judith's heart whenever she felt like this. It persistently haunted her, no matter how much she tried to shake it off.
Her.
The figure she'd encountered within her father's heart. It had taken such strong root within her father that it overlapped the mental image that formed Judith. When she remembered that moment even now, the blood drained from her face and she felt like there was pressure around her stomach.
There was another daughter.
She broke into the space that was mine, and mine only. She snuck in, even though it was supposed to be just for me.
Judith hadn't exactly seen it in the same way as physically seeing with her eyes. All she knew about its appearance, for instance, was the adorable impression that her father had. Besides that, it somehow seemed like it was younger than herself. That was about all she knew. Perhaps she would have discovered much more about it if she had continued delving more carefully. But at the time, her spirit couldn't bear any more.
Judith bit her lip.
She never wanted to feel a person's heart ever again, whether it was her father or someone else. Fear of the possibility of seeing things she didn't want to see. Regret at knowing things she'd be better off not knowing. She was having many such feelings.
Besides, it wasn't that important—because, ultimately, the main problem was precisely the fact that there was another daughter. And the reality was that she knew this.
Why didn't Dad say anything? Why was he hiding it? That letter—what was written in it?
She couldn't help repeating those questions whenever she thought about her father.
She regretted that she'd put off reading the letter on that day Temza came to an end. The answers to every single question within her--couldn't they be written in that letter? Judith thought so, with nearly as much confidence as she had in her own memories.
The letter was no more. It had been stolen. Just like her father. Judith felt a sharp pain in her chest. It was her fault. It was the gray monster's fault.
To Judith, the distinction between the two was not important. Both stole something precious from her. Both hurt her. Logically, she knew that her father had always devoted his love to her no matter the situation. But it didn't stop her emotions from wanting his undivided love. Judith was too young to reach a compromise where that was concerned.
Somewhere along the way, the two mental images overlapped and mixed together, becoming one. It was a little girl with a monster's eyes. It was a monster with a little girl's eyes. While showing her despicable inner scorn towards Judith, a gray faceless girl was holding a stuffed doll in her clawed hands. It had become ragged, and its appearance was that of her father—
Give it back. Give it back!!
But no matter how much she screamed, it only clicked its teeth and chuckled at her. It was having fun, seeing through her feelings.
I hate you! I hate things like you!
And no matter how hard she tried to drive it out, the gray usurper continued to stay in Judith's mind.
"Ba'ul," Judith pleaded tearfully. She gripped the horn in her hand so strongly that it drew blood. "Help me, Ba'ul."
However, there was no response from the horizon, and the horn itself was no more than a simple horn.
---
Three years passed.
---
Why don't you join the Great Tree already?
The idea had unexpectedly come to her, and before long, nowadays it was all she could think about. She pushed aside the question of whether she could really join Myorzo's Great Tree—she, who had fallen from Temza's Great Circle, which was surely the same thing.
She could no longer sense anything but a weak presence from Ba'ul's horn. It was too fleeting to support her.
Ba'ul had not appeared, and the twelve-year-old girl's loneliness was something she couldn't bear. As always, the people continued to reach out to her from behind an invisible wall. People whom she couldn't feel from here without crossing that boundary.
The Great Tree. Judith had thought about that possibility dozens, or maybe even hundreds, of times. About whether the wounds in her heart had healed enough that she could do so.
Of course, she was still scared to feel a person's heart even now. The mere thought of actually trying was overwhelming. She had been able to search for the monsters' presences before, though. Maybe it would be okay, as long as she didn't peer too deeply into someone's heart.
She tried persuading herself countless times. I can do it. Let's do it. It'll be easy.
Judith believed the people of Myorzo would never reject her if she wished to be with them. Nevertheless, there was something in her that resisted whenever she tried to decide. Something other than fear. Judith was annoyed by this dissonance in her spirit.
If she joined the Great Tree, she could become one of them. She would live in Myorzo as one of them.
So why won't you do it? What do you have to lose at this point if you do?
Yet there was still a strong resistance within her.
Judith wanted to know just what it was. She delved into her own heart as if she was feeling it with the nageeg, searching for the source of her conflict. There were all sorts of reasons drifting there, but none that convinced her. The resistance was coming from much deeper. She tried surrendering herself to those feelings of opposition. Immediately, she felt like the previously-vague flow of emotions became clear. She tried following it.
All of a sudden, an ash-gray shadow unexpectedly appeared. A faceless girl that was a monster. A monster that was a girl. A fiend.
As soon as she recognized that figure, her spirit, which was mixed and disordered, became simplified and united. In uniting, it erupted. Judith saw a black flame that flared deep within herself.
Right—that's right.
If the Great Tree was the same as the Great Circle, then it would grant her tranquility. Suppressing her anguish, she would start to live calmly.
You must be joking.
Suppressing them is the same as stealing them. It'd be the same as giving up.
Judith understood the true form of her resistance. By understanding, she completely agreed.
These feelings belong to me. Me alone. That's right, I'll never join the Great Tree. Never, not even if Ba'ul doesn't come.
Judith burned in the violent emotion she'd never seen or felt before. An emotion that the Circle and the Tree had pacified and suppressed for centuries. Whether Temza or Myorzo, it was an emotion that no Krityan had ever felt this intensely.
Hatred.
What was initially despair and anger had been fermenting and boiling deep within without her notice, and now it emitted a fearsome scent. The intensity was just like lava erupting through thick rock. Since she was a child, it was even sharper and more merciless.
I'm not leaving her be like this. Leaving her alone like this.
Judith glared with a fierce gaze that was like she was burning away the gray shadow that haunted her inner thoughts. It abruptly vanished, laughing shrilly and unpleasantly, like when it had first appeared. Only the sound of laughter, like distant thunder, reverberated in her mind.
Judith let out a snakelike hiss.
I'll never forgive you.
Knowing her true feelings, a faint smile crossed Judith's face.
It was even pleasant.
---
While driven by her intense thoughts, Judith rushed up numerous winding staircases, one after another. Without stopping, she climbed all the way to the highest point she could manage in the city.
"Krones!!"
Despite gasping for breath, Judith loudly called out to the giant creature that filled the sky overhead. It was doubtful whether her voice actually reached, or whether he even had ears to hear a human voice in the first place. Although her shout echoed in her surroundings, only silence ensued. It was a considerable distance to the jade ceiling, even from the tip of the tallest spire. No matter how loudly the young girl shouted, the result was obvious.
But as soon as Judith saw that there was no response, she opened her nageeg. She mobilized all the determination she had and extended a mental branch. Beyond it, she found some vast will. Her fury became strength. The sparks of her spirit, which had once repelled the monsters in Temza, burst violently. Judith's will became a torrent of fierce flames that she shot straight up.
Intense fatigue flowed into her, as if it was replacing the determination she'd radiated. But Judith was confident. It reached.
You're part of Ba'ul's family, aren't you? If so, then call him! If not, then let me down right now!
There was a response like a ball being thrown back at her.
<No.>
The shock was like a giant hammer striking inside her head. The pebbles Judith had thrown—Krones had thrown a mountain in return. Her already-exhausted strength was shattered all too quickly.
As her heart was swallowed by despair, Judith fainted on the spot.
---
[End of 4.2.
So, yes, Hermes has ~another daughter~. This may not be a surprise if you know about the possibly-mistranslated hint regarding his penname, but the novels will verify it much, much later.
Oh yeah, blastia "bodies" are called "containers" in JP. "Body" is kind of a weird translation choice in my opinion, but ah well.]